She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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