We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize