i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
