I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
