It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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