Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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