sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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