Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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