she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
