Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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