We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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