Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
