captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
