Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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