Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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