I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
