You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
