Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
