You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
