Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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