i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
