i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
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