Your tits are I can't wait for
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
