My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
