I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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