So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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