i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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