considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize