Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
