Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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