is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize