I'm laying in your front yard are you home
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
