i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
