somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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