Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize