When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
