I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
