All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
