Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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