she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
