How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
