omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
