Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
