that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found your dick twin last night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
