Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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