Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
