My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
