The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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