dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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