if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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