): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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