you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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