Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
