my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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