we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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