i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize