can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
