The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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