a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize