He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
