My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
