i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
