God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
