I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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